“In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting.”
― Robert Glover
The “Nice Guy” Syndrome
In the past, I was the “nice guy.”
Growing up, I was taught to believe I have to be “nice” so others will reciprocate and I will get what I want in return. Secretly I was doing “nice” things for people because I wanted something in return. Driven by the covert contract, I did everything to please others hoping to get what I want.
Not having any boundaries and self-respect for myself, I allowed others to take advantage of me. They behaved that way because I was training them to do so.
Most times I wouldn’t get what I want. As a result, I would feel resentful and bitter. This was true for all my platonic and romantic relationships.
“Nice Guy” Behaviors
Lacking a strong backbone, I didn’t stand up for myself. I would say “yes” to things that I didn’t like just to please others. By doing so, I was saying “no” to things that did.
That’s the epitome of being a “nice guy!”
I was putting everyone else’s wants and needs first before my own hoping I would get my needs met in return.
In the realm of romantic relationships, I would do “nice” things for the woman I liked hoping she would fall in love with me.
I was always there when she:
Needed someone’s help.
Broke up with her boyfriend and wanted a shoulder to cry on.
Felt bored and desired someone to watch movies with her.
I did everything a good boyfriend would do, but yet I was never seen as a potential lover in her eyes.
As for platonic relationships, I was the “yes” man. For work, I would always agree to stay late or come in on the weekends even though deep down I didn’t want to. Wanting my colleagues to like me was my motive for saying “yes” to working late.
By being “soft,” I trained my boss to expect me to work long hours. Working overtime is definitely sometimes necessary, but not all the time! They come in seasons, but not all year round.
Having no boundaries, I let others take advantage of my time. As a result, I compromised my health and social life because I spent most of my free time at work.
Everything changed when I discovered the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover.
This book described me perfectly because I portrayed most of the “nice guy” traits. In most of my interactions, I:
Had a hidden agenda
Had no boundaries
Was not honest
Was not genuinely nice
Sought approval from others
Had difficulty making my needs a priority
After reading the book and taking action steps to reclaim my personal power and true masculinity, I have eliminated most of my “nice guy” traits.
As a recovering “nice guy,” I still have old habits that creep up. But by being aware of those behaviors, I can consciously start to form new and lasting healthy habits.
How to Kill the “Nice Guy”
The first and most important lesson is to express self-love by putting yourself first. This will be extremely difficult for you to do because you have conditioned to put others first.
Me too, I used to be the same.
But what I have learned is that only by putting myself first and having my needs met can I truly give to others without expecting anything in return.
You have to be selfish first so you can be selfless.
As a result, you’re not seeking approval from others, especially women, because you approve yourself.
Whether or not you get the woman is irrelevant as long as you’re expressing your truth by stating your clear intentions. In your interactions with women, there could be endless reasons why she doesn’t want you. But understand that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to romantic relationships.
It’s either she wants you or she doesn’t. Give the meaning that she’s not compatible with you and move on. Because if she were, she would want to be with you.
To express more self-love for yourself, dedicate time out of your day strictly for yourself. These are activities that create energy and joy in your life. Put them on your calendar and make it a priority.
For example, every morning, I dedicate time for my meditation practice. Afterward, I’m in a positive state and ready to serve others.
You must first be comfortable with yourself before you can do the same around others. Create time for yourself and express self-love often.
2. Choose Yourself First
Choosing yourself means to respect yourself and your time. Time is your most valuable asset because once you use it, it’s gone forever.
Truly value your time by saying “yes” to the things that serve you.
By doing so, you’re saying “no” to the things that don’t.
When you set boundaries, it’s the ultimate sign of self-respect. By valuing your time and space, you’re training those around you to do the same.
For those who reciprocate, you respect them and their time in return. As a result, you both value each other to form healthy and meaningful relationships.
This will improve the quality of your romantic and platonic relationships.
3. Reclaim Your True Masculinity
In today’s world, the term masculinity has a negative connotation. You may think is being a macho man who is emotionless and doesn’t care what anyone says.
Because of the lack of strong male role models growing up, you’ve been taught to think that way. Believing you must be a “real” man, you portray the aggressive characteristics described in the man box.
If that’s not what masculinity is, then what is?
Strength, discipline, courage, leadership, passion, persistence, integrity, and vulnerability are traits of true masculinity.
A strong masculine man has all those traits that are attractive to both men and women.
Reclaim your masculine power by connecting with other men who you trust. Be vulnerable and share with them your deepest secrets and utmost life challenges. Embrace your masculinity and lead by example, others will follow.
Vulnerability shows you’re not perfect because no one is. But it’s those flaws that make you human, real, and most importantly, relatable. By sharing your imperfections, you’re no longer this superhuman that’s untouchable.
This is counterintuitive, but you’re immensely courageous for taking off the mask and displaying your true self. This equates to taking risks and showing your weaknesses and struggles.
As for women, they’re hardwired to follow your lead. Stepping into your masculine, you ignite her feminine.
True attraction results in your presence of masculinity and her femininity. It’s a beautiful dance you make her feel safe, comfortable, and protected. Those are what she desires and needs from you.
By taking masculine action, you inspire confidence in her feminine. Your masculine energy is your life force. Therefore don’t deny it because your life depends on it.
Because of the lack of strong male roles growing up, you have learned to seek approval from women and adopted their definition of being a man. You have suppressed your feelings and be the “rock” they want you to be.
But as a man, you have both masculine and feminine energy. It takes a strong masculine man to express both. You’re the judge for when to express each.
Don’t subdue your feelings because you’re afraid of angering someone. By withholding them in, you’re not only hurting yourself, but also those around you. You must express your feelings and show your imperfections because that’s what makes you human.
Your paradigm of being “nice” to everyone will not create a problem-free life. That kind of life doesn’t exist because challenges and obstacles will inevitably arise whether you like it or not.
Love and approve yourself so you can spread true kindness into the world. Then and only then will you not come from a place of neediness. In all your interactions, you must always courageously state your truth.
Others will respect you even if they don’t agree with you. Those who truly value you will stay in your life. As for romantic relationships, if she wants to be with you, she will. Otherwise, she’s not for you.
You’re already enough with or without her.
Coming from that mindset, you’ll realize you want her but you don’t need her because you’re already whole.
Continue to take action and live out your purpose, your dream woman and like-minded men will show up in your life.
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