“In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting.”

― Robert Glover

The “Nice Guy” Syndrome

In the past, I was the “nice guy.”

Growing up, I was taught to believe I have to be “nice” so others will reciprocate and I will get what I want in return. Secretly I was doing “nice” things for people because I wanted something in return. Driven by the covert contract, I did everything to please others hoping to get what I want.

Not having any boundaries and self-respect for myself, I allowed others to take advantage of me.

They behaved that way because I was training them to do so.

Most times I wouldn’t get what I want.

As a result, I would feel resentful and bitter.

And this was true for all my platonic and romantic relationships.

“Nice Guy” Behaviors

Lacking a strong backbone, I didn’t stand up for myself. I would say “yes” to things that I didn’t like just to please others. By doing so, I was saying “no” to things that did.

That’s the epitome of being a “nice guy.”

I was putting everyone else’s wants and needs first before my own hoping I would get my needs met in return.

And in the realm of romantic relationships, I would do “nice” things for women I liked hoping they would fall in love with me.

I was always there when she:

• Needed someone’s help.
• Broke up with her boyfriend and wanted a shoulder to cry on.
• Felt bored and desired someone to watch movies with her.

I did everything a good boyfriend would do, yet I was never seen as a potential lover in her eyes.

As for platonic relationships, I was the “yes” man.

For work, I would always agree to stay late or come in on weekends even though deep down I didn’t want to. Wanting my colleagues to like me was my motive for saying “yes” to working late.

By being “soft,” I trained my boss to expect me to work long hours.

Now, there are times when working overtime is definitely necessary to meet deadlines, but not all the time.

They come in seasons, but not all year round.

By not having boundaries, I let others take advantage of my time. And as a result, I compromised my health and social life because I spent most of my free time at work.

Everything changed when I discovered the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover.
This book described me perfectly because I portrayed most of the “nice guy” traits. In most of my interactions, I exhibited the following:

• Had a hidden agenda
• Was indirect
• Avoided conflict
• Was passive-aggressive
• Had no boundaries
• Was not honest
• Sought approval from others
• Was not genuinely nice
• Had difficulty making my needs a priority

After reading the book and taking action steps to reclaim my personal power and true masculinity, I have eliminated most of my “nice guy” traits.

And as a recovering “nice guy,” I still have old habits that creep up. But by being aware of those behaviors, I can consciously start to form new and lasting healthy habits.

How to Kill the “Nice Guy”

1. Self-Love

The first and most important lesson is to express self-love by putting yourself first. This will be extremely difficult for you to do because you have been conditioned to put others first.

Me too, I used to be the same.

But what I have learned is that only by putting myself first and having my needs met can I truly give to others without expecting anything in return.

You have to practice self-love first so you can be selfless.

By doing so, you’re not seeking validation from others, especially women, because you already approve of yourself.

Whether or not you get her is irrelevant as long as you’re expressing your truth by stating your clear intentions.

In your interactions with women, there could be endless reasons why she doesn’t want you.

But understand this:

There’s no right or wrong when it comes to romantic relationships.

It’s either she wants you or she doesn’t.

Give the meaning that she’s not compatible with you and move on. Because if she were, she would want to be with you.

To express more self-love for yourself, dedicate time out of your day strictly for yourself. These are activities that create energy and joy in your life.

Put them on your calendar and follow through.

For example, every morning, I dedicate time to my meditation practice. Afterward, I’m in a positive state and ready to serve others.

You must first be comfortable with yourself before you can do the same around others.

Create time for yourself and express self-love often.

2. Choose Yourself First

Choosing yourself means respecting yourself and your time.

Time is your most valuable asset because once you use it, it’s gone forever.

Treasure your time by saying “yes” to the things that truly serve you.

By doing so, you’re saying “no” to the things that don’t.

When you set boundaries, it’s the ultimate sign of self-respect.

By valuing your time and space, you are training those around you to do the same.

For those who reciprocate, you respect them and their time in return. As a result, you both value each other to form healthy and meaningful relationships. And this will improve the quality of your romantic and platonic connections.

3. Reclaim Your True Masculinity

In today’s world, the term masculinity has a negative connotation.

You may think is a macho man who is emotionless and doesn’t care what anyone says.

Because of the lack of strong male role models growing up, you’ve been taught to think that way. Believing you must be a “real” man, you portray the aggressive characteristics described in the man box by Hollywood.

If that’s not what masculinity is, then what is?

Strength, discipline, courage, leadership, passion, persistence, integrity, and vulnerability are traits of true masculinity.

A strong masculine man has all those qualities that are attractive to both men and women.

You can reclaim your masculine power by connecting with other men who you trust.

By being vulnerable and sharing with them your deepest secrets and utmost life challenges, you are showing your true self.

Embrace your masculinity and lead by example, others will follow.

Vulnerability shows you are not perfect because no one is.

But it’s those flaws that make you human, real, and most importantly, relatable.

By sharing your imperfections, you’re no longer this superhuman that’s untouchable.

This is counterintuitive, but you are immensely courageous for taking off the mask and displaying your authentic self.

This equates to taking risks and showing your weaknesses and struggles.

As for women, they are hardwired to follow your lead.

And by stepping into your masculine, you ignite her feminine.

True attraction results in your presence of masculinity and her femininity.

It’s a beautiful dance you make her feel safe, comfortable, and protected.

Those are what she desires and needs from you.

By taking masculine action, you inspire confidence in her feminine.

Your masculine energy is your life force.

Therefore, don’t deny it because your life depends on it.

Closing Thoughts

Because of the lack of strong male role models growing up, you have learned to seek approval from women and adopted their definition of being a man.

Throughout your life, you have learned to suppress your feelings and be the “rock” they want you to be.

But as a man, you have both masculine and feminine energy.

And it takes a strong mature man to express both.

You are the judge of when to express each.

Don’t subdue your feelings because you’re afraid of angering someone.

Because by withholding them in, you are not only hurting yourself, but also those around you.

Therefore, choose courage, express your feelings, and show your imperfections because that’s what makes you human.

Your paradigm of being “nice” to everyone will not create a problem-free life.

That kind of living doesn’t exist because challenges and obstacles will inevitably arise whether you like it or not.

And by avoiding them, you are thwarting yourself of growth.

Love and approve of yourself so you can spread true kindness into the world.

Then and only then will you not come from a place of neediness.

In all your interactions, you must always courageously state your truth.

Others will respect you even if they don’t agree with you.

Those who truly value you will stay in your life.

And as for romantic relationships, if she wants to be with you, she will. Otherwise, she’s not for you.

Understand this:

You are already enough with or without her.

Internalizing that, you’ll realize you want her, but you don’t need her. That’s because you’re already whole and complete.

Knowing that she can add to your life, you do your best to meet her by continuing to live out your purpose.

And on your journey, your dream woman and wholesome men will show up in your life.

I am on a mission to help 1,000,000 people, but I can’t do that without your help. Please share this article with anyone who you may think will find it valuable and helpful.

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